Why I went to sleep at 5:19 AM and woke up at 8:20 AM today.

Two things kept me up past midnight last night:

The piano guys:
John Schmidt - Michael Meets Mozart
Steven Sharp Nelson - The Cello Song

If I could, I would listen to them ALL day long.

Stack Overflow:
Mathematica NDSolve Can I use InterpolationFunction as Initial Conditions
Deriving the mean of values within a tensor

I <3 Stack Overflow.

Red Bull: It gives you wings! Then you fall to your death.

Here's my Red Bull paper. Have fun. There's a ton of references in here. Bonus points if you post a comment on what I'm referencing.

Red Bull: It gives you wings! Then you fall to your death.

Not enough energy, construct additional pylons... I mean drink more red bull

Tired? Don’t think you can stay up another two hours to finish that essay you have due tomorrow that was assigned a week ago (Red Bull Essay)? Well you’re in luck, because right here I have an energy drink! If you drink this, you’ll feel full of energy and you’ll be ready to wrestle a bear! Okay, maybe not wrestle a bear. But you will be wide awake from the caffeine, sugar, and assorted natural ingredients that promote wakefulness.  In fact, as I speak right now, I wrote this snarky, self referential essay in a Red Bull induced state of hyperactivity. Should I have gotten more sleep the night before, electing to sleep at midnight instead of at 4 AM? Yes, that would’ve been far healthier than forcing myself to stay up through the use of energy drink type products. But, as a matter of a fact, I am completely swamped with work. Ask most college students around this time of year, and you’ll find that 90% of them (A statistic I determined by asking 10 of my friends) will say they find themselves with too much work and too little time in the day to do the work.

Enter Red Bull: It gives you wings! Not literally, but Red Bull wants you to believe you can do beyond what you’re normally capable of. In my case, instead of sleeping away the rest of my night I’m able to finish my essay on time for class today. I owe it all to the nectar of the gods contained within this can of Red Bull. According to the Red Bull website, they claim that numerous “scientific” studies prove that Red Bull promotes increased performance, concentration, reaction speed, vigilance and metabolism. They also claim that it makes you feel energetic for “improved well being” (Red Bull Website). Now doesn’t Red Bull sound fantastic? They may just as well advertise that the energy drink will mow your lawn, take your in-laws to the mall, and generally do your work for you.  Who doesn’t want to work better, with more concentration and energy? Maybe if you do so well, your professor will give you such a high grade that you never have to do work again in her class.

Oh crap this is a really high height, how do I get down?

I’m sure by this point you’re thinking “I really wish I had his Red Bull, because it looks and sounds delicious, and it would help me get through my Chemistry 3A test today.” No? Maybe you’re thinking “What are the downsides then?” For all these great things Red Bull does, there has to be some downside to it. Unfortunately, yes, there are downsides to drinking Red Bull. If you ever had an energy drink like Red Bull, you’d know that after the initial euphoria there is the inevitable crash. I mean, if you’re all the way up there, you have to get down somehow. Now doesn’t that description sound a lot like recreational drugs to you? You might not believe me, but just you wait. By the end of this class I’ll probably be past my initial high, descending into that energy drink crash. 

But, the negative qualities go beyond the crash. If you take a look at the back of a Red Bull can, you’ll find that one can contains 110 calories, 27 grams of sugar and 80 milligrams of caffeine (Red Bull Can). For reference, 4 grams of sugar is about one teaspoon (How many grams).  So imagine taking a teaspoon out and swallowing nearly seven spoonfuls of sugar. And remember that can is only 8.4 fluid ounces. Most canned drinks are 12 fluid ounces. For comparison, a 12 ounce Coca Cola can contains 110 calories, 30 grams of sugar, and 34.5 milligrams of caffeine (Coca-Cola Classic). If you drank the same amount of Red Bull as that one can of Coca Cola, you’d consume an extra 47 calories, 8.5 grams of sugar and 80 milligrams of caffeine. That’s as much extra caffeine as you’d have in a 7 ounce cup of coffee. Plus, if you drink excessive amounts of it, like the 12-pack of Red Bull that my friend James had when he was in high school, then you’ll feel absolutely bat shit crazy, in addition to having a terrible crash afterwards.

This paper needs social commentary

                So what does the existence of Red Bull tell us about American Society? Does it mean that we’re all lazy good-for-nothings who put off their work to the last minute due to procrastination, only to find they don’t have enough energy to finish the work because it’s two in the morning? Maybe me, but I don’t think that’s true of society as a whole. I think that Red Bull’s existence is merely due to German innovation.  The founder of Red Bull adapted an existing Thai drink known as Krating Daeng for European markets. For him, the Thai drink was actually a cure for the jet lag he experienced when flying (Selling Energy).  So no, the existence of Red Bull isn’t some social commentary on the current state of the US by some corporate figurehead. It’s just a delicious energy drink that an Austrian businessman marketed extremely well. So much for social commentary, I suppose that’s where this paper will end then.

Actually, no, I will say this: The sheer perverseness of the energy drink among teens and young adults speaks volumes about what we value as a whole in American culture. Think about it: If you just did your work on time, then you wouldn’t have to stay up late at night rushing to finish an assignment like I did. I know I said earlier that I don’t think it’s true that society as a whole is a bunch of procrastinators.  I did mean that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think high school and college students aren’t procrastinators. They are. We all love goofing off and not doing the work we have to do, and if you say you don’t then you’re full of shit. I still don’t think this is the core of the problem though. A lot of people do need energy drinks like Red Bull to help them stay awake to meet deadlines, but I think because of a deeper issue: inability to do time management.

Does that mean if we were able to better manage our time, Red Bull wouldn’t exist? Personally, I don’t think so. It’s delicious and not-nutrious-at-all, and I think that’d be more than enough to make it popular.  Despite how bad it is for you, and how badly it can cause you to crash afterwards, it’s just like any other we’re willing product to pay for: Something that makes us happy. I know this Red Bull made me happy, and maybe when you go to Bits and Bytes afterwards you can enjoy that happiness too.

Self Referential Works Are Fun.

It's always fun when you're reading or enjoying some work (Book, movie, essay, whatever you want) and it makes a reference to itself. Usually this is in a "Ha ha, look we're making fun of ourselves" moment.

In the essay for class that's due well.. Today, it's abundantly clear I make excessive use of self-referential humor in how I make fun of the paper I just wrote and myself in how I wrote it.

For an example of a self-referential work, more specifically of the self-referential humor category, see this terrible blog post written by some college student at Hofstra University: Self Referential Works Are Fun